An Insider's Guide to Publishing: So You Want to Be Published? This Is What You're Doing Wrong

I tend not to post about some of the stuff that I experience at work because, well, it's usually not applicable, and b) I like to keep some things to myself.

However,  I had a particular encounter on the phone this morning that really touched my last nerve.  Some insane woman from Connecticut called up to push her book, a true-story novel about power, money, sex, and domestic abuse.  Okay, not even remotely close to any one of the categories we publish.  I told her this during the first minute of our conversation.  She insisted it was in line with our parenting division.  Um, no lady.  You're wrong.  So, despite repeated attempts at telling her that: a) I was not the person she should be pitching to, b) comprehensive manuscript submission guidelines on our website that she could reference, and c) she should really contact the authorities, and not a publisher, if she fears her ex-husband is out to get her; I listened to her rant and rave for 20-crazy-filled-minutes while my eyes glazed over and shoulder went numb from holding up the phone.  I try to be a sympathetic person on the phone, because I know how passionate people are about their writing.  It was when she started to go off about "black people," that I had to interrupt her mid-sentence to hang up.

The thing is, this wasn't a rare, one-off call.  Every day we have someone phoning in to pitch their book, which is sure to be The Next Big Thing.  90-percent of these people are stark-raving mad and/or are pitching books that are of no interest to us, ever.  With a statistic like that, you best check yourself before picking up the phone to call.

I know we've all heard those stories about how now-famous authors were rejected repeatedly by publishing companies, only to be picked up by some fledgling press that then skyrockets into the stratosphere of fame when the book is a Huge Hit.  These stories inspire in us the thought that we, too, hold some sort of unlocked, unrecognized genius and that yes-oh-yes, we will one day be seated across from Barbra Walters, detailing to her the many ways in which we are Fascinating People Of The Year, but of course we do so humbly, because we want to play the charade of "Oh, shucks, I just wrote a book that someone took a chance on."  Well, I've got something to tell you: YOU ARE NOT NOR WILL EVER BE J.K. ROWLING.  Get over yourself.

I put together this little guideline for all aspiring authors out there who printed some list off Google and are now assaulting the phone lines of major publishing houses.  I'm calling this:

Becca's Insider Advice on Contacting Publishers, or How Not To Piss Off the Person Who Answers Your Call So That Your Precious Manuscript Doesn't Get Black-Balled

1) First, most importantly: do your research.  Know who I am (not necessarily by name, but it's pretty obvious my position) and know what my company does.  Do not assume that we are affiliated with a larger corporation or educational institution unless you are positive of that.  By not researching even the least bit, you come off sounding like a total douche.  And I can only imagine what that must say about your "amazing fact-checking skills" that are supposed to "alleviate the stress of the editorial team."  Fact check, this.

2) I do not have the time to listen to your 10-minute pitch.  You should be able to summarize the bulk of your manuscript in about two minutes.  This does not mean personal biography (see #7).  Personal biography is best left for the actual submission, though do say that you are writing from life experience if you are.

3) When I tell you, "please refer to our website for submission guidelines" for the fourth time, that means you need to get off the phone, now.  I will honor your request to leave a voicemail with the editor.  However, there is no way in hell you're speaking to them.  I'm sorry, you're just not.  Unless you are a celebrity or the second coming of Christ.  And even then, I will put you on hold to make sure the editor actually wants to speak with you.  That's just the way our world works.  Get used to it.

4)  If you can't even interest me in your book, a virtual peon on the totem pole, how do you except to interest an editor?  BE INTERESTING!  How?  If you have to ask that, you shouldn't be a writer.

5)  LISTEN TO ME.  If I say that we publish instructional parenting and cookbooks, and then you say to me, "Yes, my book fits in your category," then go on to describe a book that is absolutely nothing like anything I have detailed to you, then you are AN IDIOT and a waste of my time.

6) I know you want to make personal contact through the phone, I really know you do.  But that's better left to the agents.  If you want to call someone, call an agent and see if you can get them to shop your book around on your behalf.  Because, 9 times out of 10, when you call the publisher, directly, you just come off sounding like a crazy person.  And your manuscript, when it comes in, will be given a one-way ticket to the infamous Slush pile.  Then, six months from now, some poor, lowly, unpaid intern will be given the task of routing through the slush and rejecting your manuscript.  A Cinderella story, that is not.

7) While I am very sorry if you went through Traumatic Experience X, the stranger on the other end of the telephone is NOT the person to unload that on.  Start an effing blog if you need to vent.  Especially since I'm not even listening to you.  Years of listening to crazies like yourself jabber on about the abuse they've faced at the hands of the world has given me an automatic tsk-reflex that responds at the appropriate times.  In actuality, I have the phone pressed against my shoulder and am focusing on the Very Important work I have to do while you drone on.  Oh, and please don't make racial slurs.  You have no clue who I am (mostly because you didn't do your research), and therefore, you have no idea whether or not I am, in fact, one of those "poor black people" you are ranting about.  That will, and does, get you an immediate hang-up and I will discard your manuscript as soon as it reaches our office.

8)  Having the entire book done already, means nothing to me.  In fact, in the world of publishing, that can be a bad, bad thing.  That tells us you're assuming that the book is complete and all you're really looking for is some revenue and a book-signing tour.  No thank you.  Authors are an investment to us, as we are very conscious about what type of investment we are looking for.  That's why we have editors: to help mold your work in a way that is aligned with the rest of our investment properties.  If you think we're just going to sign the deal and print your book, what you're really looking for is an on-demand publisher.  Google it.

9)  The people in publishing are some of the most over-worked, under-staffed, and under-paid people I have ever met in my entire life.  As the industry is under fire because no one reads anymore, we find our staffs shrinking, our workload piling up, and our funds depleting.  We do not have time for you.  In fact, we barely have time for ourselves.  That is why it's important to get an agent.  That gives you credibility and also gives you another person to blame when no one is picking up your book.  That way, you can keep living out the fantasy that the real reason is not, in fact, your deplorable writing skills.

There you have it.  I know there is a lot I'm forgetting, but my lunch break is over and I have a pile of work to get back to.  And a phone to answer.  To the 10% of you that actually have a book worth printing: I wish you the best of luck.  To the rest: find another hobby.

This post was brought to you by the power of passive-aggressive bitterness.  Thanks for reading.